"The Super Rant"
Hey, guess what, we’re all sick evil fucks. All of us. Our version of proof is going to be a new reality show. We call it
“Your Parents Don’t Love You”.
The first thing is to find an 8 year old kid who will go to school, and while he’s at school these people come in and
refurnish the house and they hide the parents. Then, we get actors to act like the new owners of the house, and when the
kid comes home, he’s like OH MY GOD, WHERES MY PARENTS?!
Then the actors say, "Your parents don’t love you and they left now get the fuck out of my house!"
And here is the catch! The actors are Michael Jackson and Barbara Streisand. Michael will then make a deal with the kid
forcing him to either be molested or play Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamalon and listen to ‘80’s Super group Styx. Then he
should also have to sit through some of them goddamn fucking M. Night Shyamalan movies and some goddamn infomercials and
telethons.
Sometime during him doing whichever he chose, an evil badass monkey will come out a closet and stab him a few times. This
time will also include a gift from "Santa Claus" that only spits insults at the kid, and later, he finds out that Santa is
giving up Christmas to be a pimp with his elves.
Also, we'll sit the kid down and force him to play spin the bottle with 4 chimpanzees and a turkey from the 6th dimension.
After he finally leaves, we can hire John Gasey to chase him down the street in a clown suit with a knife. Then, if he
survives, we can crash a car that looks like his parents and put them in the car and make them look dead. When he goes up
to look at him they can pop up and start pretending to be zombies.
At this point we'll tie the kid to a truck that is traveling east on the Mississippi towards a whore house founded by a girl
named Earl.
After that, some guy with a giantass dog kicks him
in the nuts and lets the dog off the leash and bite the shit out of him. After that, some old guy will walk up to him and
put salt and lemon juice in the cuts.
After his “Zombie Parents” catch up to him, they will unmask themselves to reveal they are not his parents, but actually
Blaze Bayley of Iron Maiden and Hilly Clinton then we can all just yell HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And, if he ever gets out of
counseling, we can all have a good laugh about it! Too bad the counselor we provide is also a priest.
Some other ideas mentioned were put a remote controlled electric shock device on his nuts and tell him every time he
breathed he would be shocked, tie the kid to a chair and have Ben fart in his face, the kid should see his parents
in the car then right before he gets there lassie extreme flies through the car blowing it up, and Duct tape him to an
elephants ass and then teach the elephant to sit on command and make the elephant walk over to its own poo and then tell
it to sit.
Credit:
Ben
Chris
Crocker
Brian (Deban)
Sean
Ricky (bet ya cant guess his suggestions...)
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