Ch. 1 The Titanic Blows

Well, I’m currently at a loss for something to write about, so how about something we can all agree sucks. The movie “Titanic.”

What a wonder waste of 3 hours of your time. I had to watch that fucking movie twice in my life (by force both times). Why the hell would anyone see that movie. Besides, you already know the end. It’s not like you were wondering how it ends during the commercials. I know I wasn’t. Wait… I changed the channel during the commercial. Why the hall waste the money. You could have instead bought yourself a nice porn. You could have just watched a damn show about it on the Discovery channel or TLC. Though there’s better stuff to watch on TLC, like last night I saw a show about a family of midgets running a peach farm. I would have paid more to see that than that fucking Titanic movie.

Why spend money to see some 500 year old whore ramble some made up love story about a sunken ship while trying to slip in a fucking history class. If the bitch was real, she probably would have been senile and not on the Titanic.

So you just paid to see some old senile bitch ramble about some made up story on a sunken ship (interesting story, I had shit here before, which is what that movie was) then throw some expensive-ass jewelry off another ship. Good job. Only good part of the movie was all the dead bodies, and I could see that in a Slasher movie. Good job. You could have just waited for A killer or horror movie. One comes out every 15 minutes. Half suck. Like the Village. Oh God, Here it comes!

Ch. 2 Movies

Don’t see that fucking movie. It blows more than Michael Jackson in a Pre-School. The Village was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. Some blind bitch in what’s probably the Amish Paradise ‘Weird Al’ was talking about. That or Pennsylvania (Actually I think it was supposed to be PA… and Weird Al Was probably talking about PA(see the video for Amish paradise) So it all works out). A bunch of people pretending to be monsters. That’s right. No real monsters. Thanks M. Night, Thanks. I hate you. Some retard who wants to kill people or something, and some faggot getting poisoned. There’s no real end either. The girl leaves to get antidote for the poisoned dude, gets it, brings it back, they give it to him, they say there’s only a chance it will work, the end. Thanks for wasting my life.

Though one movie has made me all warm and fuzzy inside recently. The New Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I think more kidnappings should involve cutting legs off with a chainsaw, jamming salt in the wound and tying an newspaper in place so the salt cant get out and he wont bleed to death and will just suffer. Hey, we should do it to the people who make these movies! Also nice was the magic gun out of the vagina suicide scene.

Ch. 3 Based On A True Story?

Speaking of the massacre, did you know it never happened. That’s right, the story is a lie. It was based on a story, but none of the events in the movie ever happened. That cop video in the remake, that was staged. Though the story is loosely inspired by Ed Gein, who, while he did wear human skin, acted alone and did not use a chainsaw. Those who believe the film was based on actual events will try to back up their statements by referring to similar events in Texas, none of which had anything to do with the film. Although the film's opening would have one believe that the events are factual, it is merely a scare tactic, called the false document technique, to frighten the audience. (The opening voice-over is performed by John Larroquette.)

Speaking of movie hoaxes. Amityville Horror. All 8and the remake. And the books. The owners were paid off to say it was true for a while, then eventually came out and told the truth. Oh, hey, same with The Exorcist! Never happened the way they told it. Although some sorces say it was loosely based on a real possession. Yup Hollywood is lying to you (surprised? Didn‘t think so!. These movies are lies. Though there were strange deaths on the set of the Poltergeist movies.

So I win, fuck you!

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