This one has parts inspired by several conversations I had regarding food. In short: I stole some of this shit from people!
And I'm too lazy to credit them! They know who they are. (Seriously though. It was Mostly Luke.)
Random Rambling With Few Or No Transitions!
..I have fudge. Fudge is good. Ben's fucked up. He don’t like fudge. He needs severely beaten. Unless he's reading this.
Then, it's perfectly fine that he doesn't like fudge... DONT HURT ME!
He's fucked up though. All normal people like fudge. It hurts the teeth though.
It's gay when people put nuts in the fudge. My mom tends to do that. This fudge has no nuts. I guess she thinks it
enhances the fudge. It doesn't. Don’t put anything in the fudge.
YOU PUT NUTS IN THE FUDGE?! YOU FUCKED IT UP! YOU TAINTED THE FUDGE! THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE!
They do it with Jell-O too. Fruit in the Jell-O. My mom put pineapples in it a few times. Pineapples. In Jell-O. Red Jell-O.
It's sick. You've ruined my delicious snack. With health food. Thanks. Oh. But it gets worse. Vegetables in Jell-O. MMM,
BROCCOLI JELLO! APPETISING!
Ever notice you really only see red or green Jell-O? You don’t see many other colors. They exist. Just no one seems to buy
them. If they do, they must eat it themselves or something. They're too good to serve it. They're too greedy. THE BLUE JELL-O IS THEIRS, EAT
THE GREEN!
There’s no blue food though. Not naturally at least. Blueberries are more purple.
The government claims there’s no aliens. But there are instructions on how to handle alien invasions in a firefighters
handbook, and there used to be some in a civilian guide. YAY, CONTRADICTION!
The government is completely full of shit like that. "OSWALD KILLED KENNEDY!", "WE LOST KENNEDY'S BRAIN!", "ALEINS DONT
EXSIST!", "ANYONE CAN RUN FOR PRESIDENT WITH THE POSSIBLITY OF WINNING!". Full of shit.
Why is there an anime about tennis. Playing tennis is gay. Watching tennis is worse. I'm sure this is probably the worst
idea since a screaming ninja wearing bright orange. Seriously, if Naruto was out to kill you, you'd have no worries. "I'M A
NINJA, I'M GONNA KILL THE BALD MAN WITH THE BREIFCASE! I HAVE A HEADBAND THAT CAN ONLY BE WORE-DED BY NINJAS! BELIEVE IT!" He
might have a problem figuring out the kid in the orange is actually supposed to be a NINJA, but other than that, he has no
problem.
Ya know how preppie girls put fucking Tinkerbell on everything? Think back to that movie. Think about Tinkerbell. She was a
jealous, self-centered bitch. She fucking turned Wendy over to Captain Hook. Peter pan should have just grabbed her by each
leg and ripped her in half. Or put her in a microwave. He'd open it up and it would look like you slapped two erasers
together. That whole cloud of powder thing. 'Cept with pixie dust. Put it in a bag, sell it as a drug. "I got some pixie
dust, it makes you think happy thoughts and get high."
I think that’s what it was. The whole thing was one big acid trip. Wendy was never in her room, she was in an ally. Peter
Pan came along and gave her some more drugs. I think Captain Hook was probably a police officer. That other guy was the
deputy or something I guess. Or a trainee.
Ever have a false sense of accomplishment. I have. It's a great feeling. After I wrote that Kool-Aid rant back in June, the
next time I saw the commercial, I noticed it was shortened, and most of the parts I mocked were altered. It felt good. Even
though I didn't do it. it still made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I think I should stop now.
Back
Fun Fact: Chris recently had to re-assess his original belief in a JFK conspiracy. H enow believes Oswald probably killed Kennedy.
...Patton Oswald...
Edit: Damn. That joke was killed. His name is Patton Oswalt. Fuck it, it stays.