Ranty Review: #1: Album: Gods Of War by Manowar

...Goddamnit, Manowar is on the list of people who have pissed me off now. Yes. Manowar. The band. With their album Gods of War. Now, if you know the music I listen to, you know I fucking love that Epic sounding shit. If you dont, heres an idea: Iron maiden, Judas Priest, Gmma Ray, Ensiferum, Slough Feg... I Also like Instrumentals, as long as their done right they're fine. And I dont mind a speech track here and there. A band can do a lot of fuck ups before they let me down entirely. Half the CD can be Elevator music, as long as the other half kicks ass.
So I dont mind epic. But this CD is too epic. I'll go Track by Track. And this is a Concept album. IT'S A STORY.

1. Overture to the Hymn of the Immortal Warriors
A 6 and a half minute instrumental that sounds like it was stolen from various parts of a God of War game, or asome kind of really epic movie.Really orchestrial, really.. uhm.. organy. And there appears to be a children's church chior in there. Now this track I didn't mind the first time,even though it's a bit overly long.. That was when I thought the CD would kick as though. But it's length and lack of anything resembling metal is just a sign of whats to come. Theres even parts where it ends and picks back up. Your like Oh, it's over, will you kick ass now? *more organ starts* DAMMIT! Then sometimes it sounds like it's about to get awesome, then kinda lets you down.

2. The Ascension
An intro track. Yeah. That last one was an intro to an intro. Thanks for that Manowar. This one has words though. Lame words. But they're there. By the way, this is another symphonic track. No metal here. Some parts make you go "Maybe this will kick ass still," ..which is when the badass voice is talking. Then the real singer starts. And, as my DRIVING INSTRUCTER, once said, he sounds like Michael Bolton trying to be epic.

3. King of Kings
YES! THE GUITSRS ARE HERE, FINALLY! It's has that I-ordered-something-but-used-free- shipping feeling. It took too goddamned long, and if it doesn't turn out right, you wont try these fuckers again. But about half way through, the metal stops, and Michael Bolton comes back. These guys are amazing, they can sing both like badasses, AND like pussies. And whats this "I bring a storm and Magic wind, the kingdom of the king" bullshit. Get back to the part about bloody battles and cracking the earth. Which they do. And It's kickass for a few minutes. Then it ends... and then...

4. Army of the Dead, Pt. 1
NO!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!!! A SONG CALLED ARMY OF THE DEAD SHOULDN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING FROM CHURCH! And stop saying "Thee" and "Ye". And stop dressing like Vikings. I dont care if this album is about ancient Greek mythology. Saying "ye" and "thee" isn't original. I'd let this shit slide if you were from Norway or something, but your from New York. Fucking Auburn.

5. Sleipnir
...I dont care anymore... They ruined it. It's more fucking talking, about a fucking horse or something. BUT WAIT. WHAT IS THIS. MORE GUITAR. A FEW MINUTES IN. It's not spectacular. King of Kings kicks this songs ass, but hey, atleast theres not church chiors. Dont get me wrong, the song is about an 8-legged horse thats fast or something, the lyrics are still cheesey. But theres metal!

6. Loki God of Fire
Starts out promising, with guitars and stuff, but in the end, this song wont kick your ass, it wont leave you with your metal fix... It starts up, but really just cant deliver the goods in the end. And it gets Really repititive near the end. King of Kings is still the best. By far. Because it's actually decent.

7. Blood Brothers
OH BOY, THE IRON MAIDEN SONG?! Sadly no. This is the song that pisses me off the most. Click for Blood Brothers Lyrics And the musics as gay as the lyrics. It's like it was stolen from a Disney movie. It's a fucking FRIENDSHIP SONG. AND HE'S STILL SAYING THY! AND THE WINDCHIME THING, THAT TOPS IT RIGHT THE FUCK OFF! Damn you Manowar... DAMN YOU! *Hyperventalates* ...THIS ISN'T METAL!

8. Oveture to Odin
Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Fuckin' Boy! Another one of these Overtures. You know, if I was LOOKING for this type of music, I wouldn't mind. But I expected METAL! Silly Chris, Expecting Metal on a Metal Album. Pretty much just re-read the review for track one and change the length to 3:41.

9. The Blood Of Odin
Another speech track. It Blows. I thought it might be good. Blood is cool, Odin is a decent god. How can Blood of Odin suck. But it does.

10. Sons of Odin
DAMN YOU ODIN! Actually, more metal here. Sadly, not too great metal, Mostly just some "BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP" by.. either the bass or a synth. Could be either way. When it's metal, it's pretty cool. When it's "BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP"ing, it's lame and repetitive. Plus then you havve to hear more cheesy lyrics. Theres no metal to drown it out with. It's a little Overlong if you ask me, but on a CD with this little metal, beggers cant be choosers. But then again, we can just choose Maiden. Then we wont have to beg.

11. Glory Majesty Unity
Another speech track. I'm crying a little now. This CD killed me... on the inside. If you like the other speech tracks, YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE! BECAUSE ODIN DOESN'T CALL THEM THIS DAY TO VALHALLA! AND HE GIVES THEM THE BEZERKER RAGE. AND NO LONGER MORRTAL, THEY WERE TOUHED BY THE GODS, AND THIS TIME WHEN- sorry, this story is SO DAMN INTERESTING. <-sarcasm. The end of this one is GAY AS HELL.

12. Gods of War
Here they combine the metal and the symphony. Sometimes this this creates awesomeness.... Like Metallica's S&M. This... it's just boring. and Tedious. Theres some metal parts, and some lame parts, and themetal parts are kinda epic, but at this point, you wont care much. It's not overly impressive, When it sucks, it REALLY sucks, and when it's good, it's ONLY good. Not great, not perfect. Just good. And another repeatitive end. AND NORE BOLTON! YEAH! Your still lbetter off with King of Kings. Or Iron Maiden.

13. Army of the Dead, Pt. 2
See Army of the Dead, Pt 1.It's pretty much THE SAME FUCKING THING! Yes, this album DOES piss me off. YES, I AM OVER-REACTING!

14. Odin
...You again, huh Odin?!
Not so great this one. Long, drawn out, overkill on the intro. The song It'self is.. just ok I guess. Worth maybe one listen, but no more. Iron Maiden is still better.

15. Hymn of the Immortal Warrior
At this point, if you dont feel like you ordered a giant steak, and recieved it, only to find it was mostly fat, heres one more chance. If you liked "Hymn" the first time, WAIT 'TIL YOU HEAR IT WITH LYRICS! 'Cuz it's still only average.

16. Die for Metal (Bonus)
It's not a bonus track really, it's on all versions. It's just that it's not part of the story. I think they stole a Zeppelin riff there. Altred it a bit, but stole it, right after plagerizing Disney. It's cheesey. About quitting his job to listen to metal or something. It's bullshit. Metal is nice. But so is money. Money pays for the metal. They take love of metal a little too far. actually. And this coming from me.

Pass this one up. Only reasion for this to exsist is if you have a friend you want to listen to metal, but they only listen to epic symphonic music, and you want to slip the metal past them and then go "Hey, did you like track 3, CAUSE IT WAS METAL! GO BUY MAIDEN!"
Unless that is the unlikely case, save you money, buy yourself some Maiden.
Just download King of Kings. It's the only track worthy of exsisting.
As one last Idea of how bad this album was, I'd listen to St. Anger in full before I listened to this in full again. Yes. It was that bad.

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