...Runts piss me off. Remember when they were banana, orange, cherry, strawberry and lime? They were the shit. Then they got rid of the only flavor I didn't like - lime. And added watermelon and blue raspberry. This was perfection for me. I was a happy child with a magical outlook on life and a smile on my face and a song in my heart. That song was Mambo Number 5. Then Willy Wonka came along, pushed me into a mud puddle, took my lunch money, and kicked me in the shin. Asshole. By which I actually mean he took out cherry, watermelon, and blue raspberry and added mango and pineapple. Cuntpickle! Pineapple is ok, but fuck you, you took away 3 of my favorites for fucking mango?! suck a donkey wang! You’re just licky you bastards left banana. Eventually they got their dicks out of their hands and removed mango, along with pineapple. But for what?! Green apple and grape! I HATE GRAPE! Not a fan of green apple either. Thanks Willy Wonka. You've depressed me. It's like... you've killed my puppy. Puppy killer. Go to the hell Mr. Depp.
At least they killed off those fucking Oompas shit. They tasted like cock. When I bought them my mom told me they were like peanut butter M&Ms with candy flavoring. Apparently they used to be. When she was a child. In the 1800's. When I had them, they tasted like cock. Fruitcock. If fruit had a cock. Wait. Fruits have cocks. Haha. That’s mean. Don’t put a fruits cock in your mouth kids. I'm such a dick. *Disclaimer: Gays are good people. Sometimes*
Even Bottle Caps fucked me over. Bottle Caps! I feel so betrayed! They made them smaller... BOTTLECAPS!! Johnny Depp, you bastard... Also they used to have Lemon-Lime instead of cherry. They should have both. Sprite kicks ass.
The Everlasting Gobstopper. Does not last forever. Or even 10 minutes. I couldn't make a huge ass box of them last one summer. Lying turds!
Even Nerds piss me off. Know why? Two flavors per box. Strawberry Rocks. I hate grape. And that’s the only one you can find anywhere, besides the Rainbow box. Which I tried once. Not a fan. Bet box ever: Watermelon/Cherry. Good fucking luck finding it.
I'm a chinchilla. That was random. And a lie.
Now why is it that Chocolate Tootsie Pops kick so much ass, and Chocolate Dum Dums suck so much cock? And what happened to vanilla Laffy Taffy. And why are Laffy Taffy jokes so gay? Then children read them and repeat them until you laugh and it just pisses you off and you want to punch them in their child faces but you can’t cause your employer is RIGHT.FUCKING.THERE. So you hold it in and let it out on some ridiculous rambling about fucking candy. CANDY! I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO?! QHAT THE HELL!! THEN YOU USE BAD WORDS AND CAPS LOCK TO EXPRESS YOUR HATRID... but really you just hate your goddamn dead end job. And you also over-act. Like Jim Carey. I AM THE WALRUS!
...Do you remember String Thing? I miss String Thing. That was an awesome part of my child hood. Ahhh... childhood. When Scyther was still a badass Pokémon, Legends of the Hidden Temple was the shit, and there was a pool down the street. And Rocko! But it was like... a fruit candy along the lines of fruit roll up and fruit by the foot. But it was like... a string... in the shape of a UFO (not the band) or a Star (Not a famous person... no O.J. Simpson String things unfortunately) or an alien head I think was one. And it was on cardboard. And tasted like gold. Not really. It tasted like... fruit candy.
And where the fuck are blue bag skittles. Tropical I think. They kicked ass. Where the hell are they now?! Speaking of blue bagged snack foods, I'm pretty pissed that it seems they cut down the flavoring for the Cool Ranch Doritos. That’s kinda cock. You know what I want is some goddamned Boo Berry. BRING ME BOO BERRY!!
I have spasms of randomness.
I remember when I was but a wee lad they had these lollies with an alien head. And they were on a hollow plastic stick. And inside the stick was a glow bracelet. Those were fucking godly. They have them at Kennywood. I bought one least time I went. Overpriced, but the memories of the childhood "Haunted Hay Ride" was kinda worth it.
But I guess at the end of the day there’s only one candy you can truly trust. Rock Candy. Especially on a stick. Rock candy is the only truthful candy left. Rock candy does not bullshit you. Rock candy says. Here I am. I'm kinda hung over, overweight and balding, so I'm not that attractive, but damn it, I taste like the candy of the GODS!!
I guess all I wanted to say here was rock candy kicks ass.